121706 post... lalalala...

I'm getting pretty much hurt. Reality is digging in to me. He's constantly with his girlfriend during Saturday nights. And every time he's on his 'real world', I try to be on mine.

And here I am, two and a half hours drive away from him. He's spending time with his girlfriend, while I'm spending time concentrating on not getting sick. But guess what? I just made the worst move of my life. I called him up when he told me that he had a heart burn earlier today. And then he was like, "hey kasama ko na si ano..." and I was hearing his girlfriend's voice asking who he was talking to and I started saying saying "bye... ingat nalang kayo... wag ka magpapagabi coz you had a heartburn kanina..." so he could just end the call and they could go... but guess what? He gave the phone to HER. The moment I was talking to her, I wanted to die.

I know he didn't mean to... Maybe he just gave the phone to her so she wouldn't be so suspicious. Ring a bell Shy! It's over and done. Get over it, you know it's quite impossible, but damn! Get the fuck over it! But the problem... it marked deep already. It's like he burnt me with his marlboro lights. Haha! Palibhasa he knows that I'm entirely in love with him. I'm aware of the fucked up fact that he'll never leave her for me, coz he knows that even if the world would go topsy-turvy, I'd stand still as his friend (God Shy-Ra! You know what!? You're god damn right!)...It's like he's having the best of both worlds.

He doesn't have to tell me the sacrifices he's done for us. Sometimes, when he tells me that, it makes me feel like I never did anything for us... you know... even if it's not his intention.

It's needless to say that I appreciate everything he's done for me. I'm just not that type of person that shows that kind of appreciation that he's expecting. Cos I have other ways of showing my appreciation. I dunno... I'm not angry at all... I just wanted to let go of a piece of what I've been feeling recently. I'm not just a big fucking chunk of lie, I'm telling you.

I always open me and my boyfriend's photo album. It used to make me feel better every time he's gone. Well, it used to...
I try to remember stuff about us, those happy moments we had been able to take a shot of.

But now... the feeling's being replaced with pain... cold, hard, excruciating pain. And nobody's fucked up enough to share it with me.

I mean, I can't tell it to my beloved... He'd get hurt real bad. He can open up to me about his problems with his girlfriend, cos he's got this assurance that I can still be his listening buddy (even though inside i'm dying). But we can't do it on reverse. He's not emotionally strong. And I think I am (yeah, right)...

Kung sabagay, yun naman ata siguro yung gusto ko. Magkimkim, magtago, maging mapag-isa. Kahit na akala ng marami, sobrang nakabroadcast ang buhay ko sa kanila. Haha... that's what they think...

No wonder I've also been always getting sick. Everything's backfiring to me. The guilt, the shame of getting caught when I lie, that cold, bitter feeling of jealousy, sobrang pagtatago, keeping in all the fucking tears... And now, I can't breathe again. Haha... I just want to die. This is too much. I can't cry even though i want to go and cry as hard as I want... I can't fucking breathe! Ampotah! Dad's sleeping, mom's sleeping, I can't remember where I placed my medicine. Oh good Lord! I can't wait to go to sleep! =')