IMAFUCKINGMESSEDUPPERSON

121606 post:

Did I read that right? Oh yeah... I am.

I could be called as a fucking professional liar. Every single fucking day of my fucking life is a fucking lie. Oh! I lie to the people I love too. It's real fucked up.

I don't want to defend on it anymore. Ok, I'm a liar. Anything new about it? Just because I don't want to reveal myself too much to make people worry about me. Just because I just want my problems to be mine. I want to protect them from the truths about me... I don't want to see the people I love to get hurt to the truths about me. Because I'm pretty much scared of losing them...

But guess what? I tell lie or tell them the hurtful truth, I'd still lose them. Ok, let's not use the "I'd still lose them..." phrase... Should I use the "they'd still lose their trust on me" perhaps? No wonder I've been feeling suicidal, these past few days. It's because I know people are losing their trust on me. Even if I'm just trying not to get them hurt.

Darn it... I want to throw the choker my bandmates gave me for my birthday. I had to lie to my beloved that it was from a girl friend, cos he's pretty much uneasy with the guy who gave it to me... I feel so guilty... *slicing up wrists*

Y'know... I'd rather choose death over seeing yourself hopeless to the fact that you'd still lose the people you treasure most.

Take my beloved for example. I try to do things that wouldn't make him worry, or mad or stuff like that. He told me before... it was during my birthday. We were inEastwood and he told me that he was scared of what he'd learn about me... meaning "the truths about me". It registered on my noodle instantly. I don't want him getting hurt from the facts about me. And now, it's what I can't figure out anymore.

Sometimes, I just want to fucking die. And not regret about suicide. I fucking mean it. I don't want people looking at me anymore, saying: "Ako, di ako naggaganyan, kasi gawaing papansin lang yan. Paawa effect dba?"

Well FUCK THEM! I can't figure out why some people can be so harsh. They're trying to compare themselves to you, and can't understand that some people just can't contain some of their emotions that's why they do stuff like that...