121706 post... lalalala...

I'm getting pretty much hurt. Reality is digging in to me. He's constantly with his girlfriend during Saturday nights. And every time he's on his 'real world', I try to be on mine.

And here I am, two and a half hours drive away from him. He's spending time with his girlfriend, while I'm spending time concentrating on not getting sick. But guess what? I just made the worst move of my life. I called him up when he told me that he had a heart burn earlier today. And then he was like, "hey kasama ko na si ano..." and I was hearing his girlfriend's voice asking who he was talking to and I started saying saying "bye... ingat nalang kayo... wag ka magpapagabi coz you had a heartburn kanina..." so he could just end the call and they could go... but guess what? He gave the phone to HER. The moment I was talking to her, I wanted to die.

I know he didn't mean to... Maybe he just gave the phone to her so she wouldn't be so suspicious. Ring a bell Shy! It's over and done. Get over it, you know it's quite impossible, but damn! Get the fuck over it! But the problem... it marked deep already. It's like he burnt me with his marlboro lights. Haha! Palibhasa he knows that I'm entirely in love with him. I'm aware of the fucked up fact that he'll never leave her for me, coz he knows that even if the world would go topsy-turvy, I'd stand still as his friend (God Shy-Ra! You know what!? You're god damn right!)...It's like he's having the best of both worlds.

He doesn't have to tell me the sacrifices he's done for us. Sometimes, when he tells me that, it makes me feel like I never did anything for us... you know... even if it's not his intention.

It's needless to say that I appreciate everything he's done for me. I'm just not that type of person that shows that kind of appreciation that he's expecting. Cos I have other ways of showing my appreciation. I dunno... I'm not angry at all... I just wanted to let go of a piece of what I've been feeling recently. I'm not just a big fucking chunk of lie, I'm telling you.

I always open me and my boyfriend's photo album. It used to make me feel better every time he's gone. Well, it used to...
I try to remember stuff about us, those happy moments we had been able to take a shot of.

But now... the feeling's being replaced with pain... cold, hard, excruciating pain. And nobody's fucked up enough to share it with me.

I mean, I can't tell it to my beloved... He'd get hurt real bad. He can open up to me about his problems with his girlfriend, cos he's got this assurance that I can still be his listening buddy (even though inside i'm dying). But we can't do it on reverse. He's not emotionally strong. And I think I am (yeah, right)...

Kung sabagay, yun naman ata siguro yung gusto ko. Magkimkim, magtago, maging mapag-isa. Kahit na akala ng marami, sobrang nakabroadcast ang buhay ko sa kanila. Haha... that's what they think...

No wonder I've also been always getting sick. Everything's backfiring to me. The guilt, the shame of getting caught when I lie, that cold, bitter feeling of jealousy, sobrang pagtatago, keeping in all the fucking tears... And now, I can't breathe again. Haha... I just want to die. This is too much. I can't cry even though i want to go and cry as hard as I want... I can't fucking breathe! Ampotah! Dad's sleeping, mom's sleeping, I can't remember where I placed my medicine. Oh good Lord! I can't wait to go to sleep! =')

IMAFUCKINGMESSEDUPPERSON

121606 post:

Did I read that right? Oh yeah... I am.

I could be called as a fucking professional liar. Every single fucking day of my fucking life is a fucking lie. Oh! I lie to the people I love too. It's real fucked up.

I don't want to defend on it anymore. Ok, I'm a liar. Anything new about it? Just because I don't want to reveal myself too much to make people worry about me. Just because I just want my problems to be mine. I want to protect them from the truths about me... I don't want to see the people I love to get hurt to the truths about me. Because I'm pretty much scared of losing them...

But guess what? I tell lie or tell them the hurtful truth, I'd still lose them. Ok, let's not use the "I'd still lose them..." phrase... Should I use the "they'd still lose their trust on me" perhaps? No wonder I've been feeling suicidal, these past few days. It's because I know people are losing their trust on me. Even if I'm just trying not to get them hurt.

Darn it... I want to throw the choker my bandmates gave me for my birthday. I had to lie to my beloved that it was from a girl friend, cos he's pretty much uneasy with the guy who gave it to me... I feel so guilty... *slicing up wrists*

Y'know... I'd rather choose death over seeing yourself hopeless to the fact that you'd still lose the people you treasure most.

Take my beloved for example. I try to do things that wouldn't make him worry, or mad or stuff like that. He told me before... it was during my birthday. We were inEastwood and he told me that he was scared of what he'd learn about me... meaning "the truths about me". It registered on my noodle instantly. I don't want him getting hurt from the facts about me. And now, it's what I can't figure out anymore.

Sometimes, I just want to fucking die. And not regret about suicide. I fucking mean it. I don't want people looking at me anymore, saying: "Ako, di ako naggaganyan, kasi gawaing papansin lang yan. Paawa effect dba?"

Well FUCK THEM! I can't figure out why some people can be so harsh. They're trying to compare themselves to you, and can't understand that some people just can't contain some of their emotions that's why they do stuff like that...