Whilst I'm Spacing Out...

121706 post... lalalala...

2006-12-17T01:40:00.000-08:00

I'm getting pretty much hurt. Reality is digging in to me. He's constantly with his girlfriend during Saturday nights. And every time he's on his 'real world', I try to be on mine.

And here I am, two and a half hours drive away from him. He's spending time with his girlfriend, while I'm spending time concentrating on not getting sick. But guess what? I just made the worst move of my life. I called him up when he told me that he had a heart burn earlier today. And then he was like, "hey kasama ko na si ano..." and I was hearing his girlfriend's voice asking who he was talking to and I started saying saying "bye... ingat nalang kayo... wag ka magpapagabi coz you had a heartburn kanina..." so he could just end the call and they could go... but guess what? He gave the phone to HER. The moment I was talking to her, I wanted to die.

I know he didn't mean to... Maybe he just gave the phone to her so she wouldn't be so suspicious. Ring a bell Shy! It's over and done. Get over it, you know it's quite impossible, but damn! Get the fuck over it! But the problem... it marked deep already. It's like he burnt me with his marlboro lights. Haha! Palibhasa he knows that I'm entirely in love with him. I'm aware of the fucked up fact that he'll never leave her for me, coz he knows that even if the world would go topsy-turvy, I'd stand still as his friend (God Shy-Ra! You know what!? You're god damn right!)...It's like he's having the best of both worlds.

He doesn't have to tell me the sacrifices he's done for us. Sometimes, when he tells me that, it makes me feel like I never did anything for us... you know... even if it's not his intention.

It's needless to say that I appreciate everything he's done for me. I'm just not that type of person that shows that kind of appreciation that he's expecting. Cos I have other ways of showing my appreciation. I dunno... I'm not angry at all... I just wanted to let go of a piece of what I've been feeling recently. I'm not just a big fucking chunk of lie, I'm telling you.

I always open me and my boyfriend's photo album. It used to make me feel better every time he's gone. Well, it used to...
I try to remember stuff about us, those happy moments we had been able to take a shot of.

But now... the feeling's being replaced with pain... cold, hard, excruciating pain. And nobody's fucked up enough to share it with me.

I mean, I can't tell it to my beloved... He'd get hurt real bad. He can open up to me about his problems with his girlfriend, cos he's got this assurance that I can still be his listening buddy (even though inside i'm dying). But we can't do it on reverse. He's not emotionally strong. And I think I am (yeah, right)...

Kung sabagay, yun naman ata siguro yung gusto ko. Magkimkim, magtago, maging mapag-isa. Kahit na akala ng marami, sobrang nakabroadcast ang buhay ko sa kanila. Haha... that's what they think...

No wonder I've also been always getting sick. Everything's backfiring to me. The guilt, the shame of getting caught when I lie, that cold, bitter feeling of jealousy, sobrang pagtatago, keeping in all the fucking tears... And now, I can't breathe again. Haha... I just want to die. This is too much. I can't cry even though i want to go and cry as hard as I want... I can't fucking breathe! Ampotah! Dad's sleeping, mom's sleeping, I can't remember where I placed my medicine. Oh good Lord! I can't wait to go to sleep! =')

IMAFUCKINGMESSEDUPPERSON

2006-12-17T01:38:00.000-08:00

121606 post:

Did I read that right? Oh yeah... I am.

I could be called as a fucking professional liar. Every single fucking day of my fucking life is a fucking lie. Oh! I lie to the people I love too. It's real fucked up.

I don't want to defend on it anymore. Ok, I'm a liar. Anything new about it? Just because I don't want to reveal myself too much to make people worry about me. Just because I just want my problems to be mine. I want to protect them from the truths about me... I don't want to see the people I love to get hurt to the truths about me. Because I'm pretty much scared of losing them...

But guess what? I tell lie or tell them the hurtful truth, I'd still lose them. Ok, let's not use the "I'd still lose them..." phrase... Should I use the "they'd still lose their trust on me" perhaps? No wonder I've been feeling suicidal, these past few days. It's because I know people are losing their trust on me. Even if I'm just trying not to get them hurt.

Darn it... I want to throw the choker my bandmates gave me for my birthday. I had to lie to my beloved that it was from a girl friend, cos he's pretty much uneasy with the guy who gave it to me... I feel so guilty... *slicing up wrists*

Y'know... I'd rather choose death over seeing yourself hopeless to the fact that you'd still lose the people you treasure most.

Take my beloved for example. I try to do things that wouldn't make him worry, or mad or stuff like that. He told me before... it was during my birthday. We were inEastwood and he told me that he was scared of what he'd learn about me... meaning "the truths about me". It registered on my noodle instantly. I don't want him getting hurt from the facts about me. And now, it's what I can't figure out anymore.

Sometimes, I just want to fucking die. And not regret about suicide. I fucking mean it. I don't want people looking at me anymore, saying: "Ako, di ako naggaganyan, kasi gawaing papansin lang yan. Paawa effect dba?"

Well FUCK THEM! I can't figure out why some people can be so harsh. They're trying to compare themselves to you, and can't understand that some people just can't contain some of their emotions that's why they do stuff like that...

Wanting to be obvious...

2006-10-06T01:13:00.000-07:00

(This was supposed to be posted last September 22, 2006)...

Is it really wrong if a person is able to love another one even if he or she is committed?

For me, I don't know the answer to this. I have trouble answering this because I AM experiencing it.
I don't want to confuse my feelings. I know I love this guy because he is plain wonderful. He'd be probably everything you'd be asking for. I dunno...

I'm really bothered. Really, really bothered. Actually the right term for me to use is disturbed. Very... very... very disturbed. We talked two nights ago while we were traveling, and didn't bring up anything. I just told him that I was happy that I saw him again and that I really missed him. I don't know if he feels the same way. I don't think I want to know...

If you were to choose a guy which one would you choose? The one who gives you everything or the one who gives you opportunities for yourself? In my opinion, both sounds good... And that's where my problem gets in.

It's really funny because during our ride, we probably sent hidden messages through our actions. And probably through some of what we were saying (I hope I didn't misinterpret much). Well, on my part I did... I really had to let him know that I missed him in such a way that I didn't want him to get me all wrong, and somehow I probably did manage to do it without being too obvious (I guess). It would really kill me all night if I wasn't able to express myself, and probably end up regretting it, and wouldn't be able to sleep thinking about it. Ugh, I'm such a retard.

I only had two hours of sleep yesterday, from 4:00AM - 6:00AM because I had to finish my term paper. But even though with that kind of status, I felt like I had all the energy in the world when I woke up. I was really getting it going 'til the afternoon, and I still feel like getting it going 'til tomorrow. There's this weird adrenalin rush taking over me. I can't even stop smiling, and I wasn't able to make a perfect grouch in the morning when I woke up. *Sigh*

I'm very lucky because I'm blessed with this kind of people around me. I hope God won't take them away from me. Letting go is the most hurtful thing for me to do.

Dies infaustus...

2006-09-18T23:19:00.000-07:00

Have you ever experienced something that you just wish didn't happen? I know you have and I did just now...

Today is one of the worst days of my life...

Infaustus #1: School Matters

Earlier this day at approximately 3:30AM, I reviewed very well for Calculus, because this week is our preliminary exam. Unfortunately, we have to take Calculus today. Ok, I did a lot of book work for it, and I could say that I did pretty well. BUT...

I flunked once more. Aww sh*t!!!

The exercises in the book and the examples given are very easy, even the board work given to us are very pretty easy... But during the exams, the given equations are soooo hard! Can't they do it the other way around? Phhbbbtt...

Infaustus #2: Lucky and unlucky both at the same time...

Ok, so I decided to pay my muffin a visit after a hard school's work, to treat myself. Here we call it as pampalubag loob, whenever we want to treat ourselves to something after a hard or a bad day. Anyways, back to the story...

After classes I quickly got out of school, took a bus and went to meet him. When I got there I was pouring down hard, and lucky me! I didn't bring any umbrella with me. Who knew the weather anyway? I rushed to the nearest shelter below the pedestrian bridge and waited for the rain to stop.

I was soaking wet, shivering. Unluckily, the shelter I got was from a beach umbrella of a barbecue vendor there. I was UNLUCKY. Try to picture this... After dislodging from the bus, it was pouring down hard, I rushed to that umbrella. I was shivering, soaking wet and did I mention that I smelled like barbecue just after a couple of seconds? All the flavors and spices and the smoke stuck to my blouse like glue. Mmm... Yum-yum! God knows how horrible I felt yesterday.

Infaustus #3: The cursed passport...

So there I was below the pedestrian bridge, waiting for the rain to stop. I texted him to fetch me there and bring an umbrella. But his reply was, "Angel, kinukuha ko yung passport ko dito sa DFA. Baka mga 11PM pa ako makakauwi." (Angel, I'm getting my passport here in the Department of Foreign Affairs, I might be back at around 11PM). Bummer... A whole day spent in the dumps...

With nothing else to do, I just waited for the rain to stop, rushed out again, crossed the pedestrian bridge and even if I was soaking wet and smelled like barbecue, I rode on a bus back to my dormitory...

I know that people suffering from poverty are very unlucky, but for people not suffering from poverty, then suddenly suffers from those kind of events, are also unlucky. *Acchooo!!*

Infaustus #3: Guard ala Leche

Ok, so I've just learned today that the school guard made a report about me. Why? Hell! I dunno why! Well actually, they told me that the guard was calling me because we were not supposed to leave 'yet' (we got dismissed early). I wasn't aware of that, neither the time that he was calling me (I have a hearing problem, so I wasn't really aware of the ranting guard)...

Ahh... aww well... what can I do?

Infaustus #extra: The stupid cold

There you have it! The title tells it all!!! The battle of the bands' audition will be on the 29th of September, and now I have a cold... Ugh!

Geezz....

19th monthsary gift...

2006-09-14T07:05:00.000-07:00

Me and my muffin just played Gunbound World Championship online, and certain surprises hppened... As if this day was a gift for the celebration of our 1-year-and--7-month engagement...

In Gunbound, if the players choose the random option for their mobiles, a random type mobile would be used by the player... It is very rare that the random mobiles generate the two rare mobiles used in Gunbound... The knight and the dragon.

Ok, ok... before we get to the juicy part, when I created a room for us to play, the room we got was ROOM 14. Today is September 14 (our 1-year and 7 months of being together) and may I add that we became "we" at February 14 (Yes, t'was Valentine's Day). It was really fun...

Back to the mobiles...

On ROOM 14... We played on random mobiles and on tag (tag mobiles)... We both generated the rare mobiles on one game... We were very far from each other and I can't get a full screenshot, so I just cropped our avatars... (see below)

Hehehe... I'm so happy today... This ultimate gift for our date... Playing Gunbound in their rare mobiles in Room 14... This day is really meant for us...

touch of melodrama...

2006-09-12T20:35:00.000-07:00

did you ever felt like you were in a room with lots of people you know, but still you feel alone? I did. And I still do.

Well... I have a friend. I've been with him for at a whole school year. Since the day I met him *and laid eyes on him*, I knew that he's the one that I'd always be hanging out with. And my guts never failed. We did become pretty very close. It's really sad for me to mention that he's not at school anymore, because he failed some subjects, but hopefully he'd be back this November... hopefully. And I wish he would. But I have a lot of questions, still unanswered. Great fears, but to face it for the sake of our friendship is worth it, because I do love him.

"Is he going to come back?"
"If he doesn't? Can I keep up with it?"
"If he did, would he still be the same if he'd return?"
"What if he doesn't like to hang out with me anymore?"

COMMERCIAL:

Usually, I wake up at exactly 6:00AM but get up at 6:30AM for my morning bath. But this day was made with a twist.

I did wake up at 6:00AM, but I just slept it off, forgetting to adjust the time in my alarm clock. So what happened is that I slept 'til 7:47AM, and before realizing it, I jumped off the double deck and rushed to wear my uniform like an animal...

My two boardmates were almost freaked out and said, "Chase, di 'ba 10AM pa klase mo?".("Chase, isn't your class at 10AM?")

"Ha? 8AM naman lagi klase ko." ("What? My classes are always 8AM.")

"Pero sabi ni Jury 10AM pa daw." ("But Jury said your classes for today starts at 10AM")

???..."Ahh... ok. Tulog ulit." (Back to bed)

...END OF COMMERCIAL...

Back to regular programming:

These are some of the questions that are still bothering me. I love talking to him, he's not pretentious. A little sarcastic, but doesn't get into my nerves. I can't help but miss him, I really love being with him. His girl is very lucky. When he left, I FELT LIKE I LOST SOMEONE TO TALK TO. I mean you can talk to everyone. But finding that one person whom you can really share your thoughts, flawed views and stuff without the malice is worth crying over. I'm not being melodramatic, but I did cry a whole night for him when I realized that I will not be seeing him for a long time.

For me, he's already been a big part of my life, I learned a lot from him. Every green joke. Hehehe... But kidding aside, I did feel like I had an older brother. I do wish he'd return...

Surprise! Surprise!

2006-09-11T22:23:00.000-07:00

Ok, ok... Yesterday was one of the best days in my life...

And the story goes like this...

Yesterday morning, I went to school while my boyfriend (I call him "muffin") went to the Department of Foreign Affairs to get his passport. When the afternoon came, he texted me and said that he'll be dropping by my school and would wait for me in the I.T. bldg.

Little did I know of the surprises and unexpected stuff that he has for me.

Surprise #1: DINNER AT CHEF D' ANGELO

We went to Robinson's Galleria (a famous shopping mall here) to have dinner. Usually, when we say "Dinner" it spells fastfood. We were supposed to eat at Burger King, but then again, we ended up eating at Greenwich since the chicken and the pasta there is good. But then again, he treated me to Chef D' Angelo for a better dinner.

He was held my hand firmly all the time and kept on kissing on my forehead.

SURPRISE #2: MUSTARD

He told me that we were supposed to watch a movie, but had it cancelled since the school work and projects that I have at home is already piling up at my desk. So we went to the grocery instead. He bought me things for me to use while I'm at the dormitory. I already feel like I have a husband.

He left me for a while at the canned goods isle and when he returned, he got a McCormick Mustard for me (he knows that I love mustard). I know it's very cheesy... But I really appreciate these little things that he does for me. I could be pleased with small things like these.

SURPISE #3: ...

Ok, ok... So he went with me to the dormitory and while we were riding on a rented van (a Ford Expedition). But me tell you something funny about this van ish here. A van called the Tamaraw FX (or FX for short) was realeased some time in 1995 or some other year. Some bloke thought of having a business with it and made it as the first van to be out as a public vehicle. The funny thing here is, now a lot of different van models are being used for public transportation like the Mitsubishi Crosswind and the Ford Expedition, but still a lot of people refer to it as "FX".

Anyways, back to the "FX".

We sat at the passenger seat in the front and cuddled during the whole ride. When suddenly, he hugged me real tight and told me, "Angel ko, pag nawala ka sa kin hindi ko na alam gagawin ko sa buhay ko. Wala ng ibang pwedeng pumalit pa sa 'yo. Wala ng pwede pang humigit pa sa 'yo para sa akin..."

In English:

"Angel, I don't know what to do with my life anymore if I'd ever lose you. No one can ever replace you, nobody can take your place."

Then he held my hand in his heart, and hugged me even tighter. Everything felt so perfect. I wish we could've just sat there and be in that moment forever.

P.S. Folks, I know this is all very cheesy. Don't worry next time I'd be posting something with sense, or something about world peach or maybe something gory or dark... Hehehe. Kidding. 'Til next posting!

the greatest stressors for emotionally sensitive people...

2006-09-07T23:51:00.000-07:00

*Sigh!*

I can't really understand how people can be so sarcastic...
Why can't people try to tell it good in your face? Why are there a lot of insensitive people?

I know that I'm one of those insensitive people, in a sense that when somebody talks (or should I say NAG) about something indirectly, and you feel that you're the one catching that indirect crap. Sometimes, people learn to be insensitive that way. Sarcasm helps.

For a fact I know that most of the time, I'm alone, just talking inside my head and ignoring people (those that like to give indirect sh*t) on purpose. I'm already fed up with those people. I also know for a FACT that they ARE saying most of it for a good reason, BUT IT IS REALLY NAIVE if they would throw it indirectly. I hope I'm getting across... This just doesn't go for me, this goes to every person that suffers this kind of treatment. I hope someday they'd experience that feeling of hopelessness. *Sigh*

Ok, ok. It's not their responsibility to put up hopes or create a solution for the people that are experiencing troubles (we all have our own problems). But they also do not have the right to make you feel like you're a piece of shit.

Ok, now this is the part where things get stressful... *Sigh*

The very boring first post...

2006-09-07T22:53:00.000-07:00

Ok... I've just launched my blog and I'm planning to update this further...

It's really getting stressful at school, and I can't even think of any better stuff to post on this "ever boring first post" I made... *Sigh*

Anyways, I gotta run... I'll be posting if some good thoughts pass by...

Smell 'ya later!